you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
