Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
