My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
