wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
