Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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