did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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