If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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