ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
