He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
