I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
