Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
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Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
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