If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
