I wish my penis had an off switch
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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