guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
