Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
