My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
