he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
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Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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