He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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