so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
