I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
