i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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