I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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