You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
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Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
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okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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