Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
