I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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