It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
