haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
