Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
