NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
