My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
