Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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