a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
