did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
