So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
