I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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