I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Sorry about my life...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
