I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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