he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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