Someone shit on the floor
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
