What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
