he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
