Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Randomize
