I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
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Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
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Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says