When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
