Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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