i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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