alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
