Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
