nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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