remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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