Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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