I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You ruined the universe
Randomize
