I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Drunk is a universal language darling
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
