You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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