I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
