If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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